Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Randomize