I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
