Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
