I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
