hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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