you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
