worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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