tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
