Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize