I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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