Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
