You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
