At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
