All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My dick has a subreddit
he just fucked me for my cheese.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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