I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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