I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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