tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
