I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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