My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I need a beard to bite.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
