Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize