Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
