I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
