remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize