In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
