Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
