Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
