wat bout pragnant strippers??
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
