Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
