Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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