I will die if light touches me.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
