it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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