i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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