I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
