Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
