I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
