for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
