u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
