i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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