Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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