i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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