Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
