Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
