hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
