Well apparently he's into motor boating.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
