Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
