I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm getting married
To pizza
well, you know. whores of a feather.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
