we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
