Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Dicks are not precious.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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