Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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