i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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