I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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