Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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