Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
my sisters under your porch take her home
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
