i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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