Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
