I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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