I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
