you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
