You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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