She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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