what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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