so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
