Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize