I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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