How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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