Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Randomize