You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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